To my kiddos, Logan, Scout, Quaid, and Sawyer, As you have watched your dad, you may have noticed in the past couple of months that he has been going through some "dynamic" mood changes. A good percentage of my moods could be described with metaphors like "dad is a grizzly bear", "dad is a spontaneous erupting volcano", or, "dad is an ogre." I'm sure you've felt that "life with dad" has been an aggressive "roller coaster of moods". There have been lots of hills, the "up moods" and lots and lots of downs, those "not-so-fun tense and angry" moods. And while we're stating the obvious, we all know that much of your dad's stress and fatigue comes from the "schedule of events" that he creates. You know me. I LOVE to make memories. And while I'm learning to say "No" (well, I'm kind of "starting" to be able to utter that little word) and am finding that memories can be made by spending less money, by driving less, and by just staying home and playing a family game of Twister, your dad will always be a little wired to spontaneously go off on another crazy adventure (like riding eight miles around Mackinac Island or heading out to corn mazes on a cold, October night). But you know it has not just been my never-ending agenda of activities and work responsibilities that have been recently stressing your dad out. Your warm, kind, and compassionate mom, who is such an example of God's love to me and puts me to such shame with her selfless life, heard God's call to bring another child into our home. Now much of the world, and maybe even some of our own family and friends, think were a bit crazy. We are already just ONE child shy of being able to coach our own little McCulloch basketball team. Our home, while warmed hopefully by God's love and light, is not what you call a mansion. You are certain to see many people scratching their heads. And for some time, I have been scratching my own head at trying to figure out IF this is God's will for our family. And I haven't been the most pleasant to your mom at times. I'm pretty ashamed of that. While I truly do love making memories for YOUR sake and to create a magical childhood for each of you, those, sometimes pricey, memories were certainly for me. Add in our regular bills, and I just could not make sense of WHY, as noble and compassionate as adopting a child from another country is, we would begin this new chapter in our family's story. The stress of figuring this out and not being sure have led your dad to be pretty cranky to YOU and to YOUR mom, my wife and soulmate. My heart got downright icy at times, beginning to refuse the idea of loving any additional child outside our own home. I got worried as to how it would affect you. And I got worried as to how it would affect me, as your dad. But God's love and light has the amazing (and often very clever and surprising way) of melting the coldest of hearts. I did not necessarily have a moment like Dr. Seuss' Grinch did, where I hoisted a heavy sleigh full of selfishly-taken toys above my head as my heart instantly grew three times its size. God's Spirit led me to people, songs, thoughts, and moments that each began to slowly chip away at my heart. I'm FAR from perfect, and so I still have moments where I'm scratching my head. I'm scared and still nervous, but here's one of the biggest things I wanted you to know. Here is WHY your dad began to open his heart to this HUGE plan that God revealed to your mom. I realized what you were SEEING as you WATCHED your dad's day-to-day life. You were NOT seeing God's love in your daddy's life. What you saw was a busy, fatigued father that grumbled as he woke up, complained as he drove you to school, slept through family movies, and spent a great deal of time doing things mainly for him and NOT for God and others. And man, can your dad TALK the part of one that seems to be fully in love with God. Living it? Not so much. I've begun realizing that LOVE is only effective as an action, not just words. Sometimes LOVE, as God directs us, MOVES us to scary, new places. That LOVE might be to just listen to someone hurting. That LOVE might be to sit with that lonely person that everyone else thinks is different, based on their skin color or how he or she smells or the different way he or she dresses. That LOVE might be to go across the world to rescue a child and bring that child into our home. As I thought about HOW I lived my life, one that is impacted by what you really SEE, I realized your view of my life didn't really show you a great deal about God's love. It showed you a great deal about how much I loved ME. I remember recently a shining moment where you actually saw your dad begin to think of someone else. (My prayer is that you see this more and more in my life.) Remember when we were at McDonald's last winter and we saw that homeless man watching the television? He had a suitcase with him, containing all of his belongings, and had probably not showered for quite a few days. As we left, I asked YOU, my KIDS, if I should offer to pay for a meal for him. When you all enthusiastically said YES, I approached the older man and discovered how much a person could appreciate someone buying them a small cup of coffee and a dollar, McChicken sandwich. I remember the look in your eyes as you, for once, SAW your dad actually begin to LIVE out God's Love the way he always SPOKE about it. I wasn't a talker that day because LOVE was, for a brief moment, an action. I want you all to see that type of love within the many hours, minutes, and seconds of my life. NOT so you see your earthly dad as a great man. No, I want you to able to see how amazing our Heavenly Father is. When you see that selfless, not for MY glory, LOVE in action, you begin to see God and His love. I'm tired of you seeing your dad, just lounging in the Lazyboy recliner, watching television, and just filling a pew on Sunday mornings. So as God has continued to chip away the ice chunks off your dad's sometimes cold heart, I find an uncontainable, uncontrollable excitement and desire to bring home the child that will become a part of our family. And because it is God that fills the love I have in my heart for EACH of you, the addition of a child to our family will NEVER deplete the love I have for EACH of you. My love for all of my children, the four I have now and the one we pray and anticipate will only grow stronger and fuller. May the words of Matthew 5:16 be MORE than words in my life... "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." Logan, Scout, Quaid, and Sawyer, I hope as you WATCH and VIEW and SEE your dad's new and MUCH improved life that you'll see less stress and more of my trusting in God. I hope that you will see authentic, genuine, and REAL joy, not a burdened, angry, sad dad. I won't be perfect but I'm going to be more open to God PERFECTING me. More than anything, may you SEE love in ACTION. May you SEE God's love in your dad's life. LOVE, YOUR DAD
4 Comments
Angie Marlow Shelley
11/7/2015 12:51:15 pm
I have a lot of admiration for how you are able to self reflect and then express your feelings so eloquently. You and Amber have built a warm, safe, God loving home and I couldn't be prouder to call anyone my friends. You have a beautiful family and knowing the family that one lucky kid could adopt into makes me excited because that is one of the greatest gifts ever. YOU WILL face obstacles. You will question yourself if this is the best decision. You will even question it years after it is over and done with. But there is no doubt that God has his hand in this and will bless you for responding to his call. I love you guys and will be praying for you and here for you if you ever need anything. Love you!
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Bob Marlow,
11/7/2015 05:47:00 pm
Good job James. Your kids know your a man seeking the will of God. They knew it before your letter, but its always good to reinforce it.
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Sandy Varty
11/8/2015 05:54:01 am
I love how real you are James.Your a wonderful son-in -law.and a wonderful father and husband.You are going to be wonderful with your newest son.(so excited) because your such a loving person.God is changing us all through this...God is so good! Love you
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kkeberhard
11/8/2015 01:10:46 pm
jamie. you are not a person who comes to mind when picturing a cold heart. no one is perfect; i get that, but your concerns are all valid. at some point we all have to say, this is all i can do. i do not believe that makes you a bad or cold individual. you have a big heart. you work hard. you do your part. xoxo
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