It has been a tough week. Amber and I have walked through sorrows and tragedies throughout our lives. We have stood, grieving, at the gravesides of family members and friends who have passed away. The stress and turmoil of financial stresses and waiting anxiously with a child in the emergency room have been a part of our family story. Worries about job security and working through various forms of heartache are conflicts we are well acquainted with. And we have learned to hold God's hand through those moments. There has been questioning and anger and bitterness too. I can vouch for myself that when trials come I am not always the best at trusting God. I question Him and wonder if He is really there, working "for the good of those that love Him." But I cannot look back in the rear view mirror of life, STILL moving forward past some of the ruins, and sense that anything BUT God has moved me, Amber, and our family further down the road. Some would call me a fool for my faith and belief, but I can offer no human explanation for arriving where I am at today. God has brought us through some tough times. But this week has been different. Amber and I are moving through pages in our life story that we neither expected or experienced before. Over a year ago, we began this journey to bring an orphan from China into our home, into our family. The beginning of our journey had us heading to China to potentially bring home a seven-year old boy, but as those that have followed our story know, God had a greater plan. Huang Yi, a twelve-year old with hemophilia, was brought to our hearts last February. Huang Yi became our Jonas, and a decision had to be made as to who God wanted us to bring into our home on first trip to China. Through tears and prayers, we have and remain certain that Huang Yi was to be a part of our family. Last Saturday (10/8), after months of filling out paperwork and mailing documents all over the country, after months of anticipation, fundraising, prayers, we finally arrived at a point in our journey we had longe for...Travel Approval. So this past week, we established dates for a consulate appointment in China that would determine the dates we would travel to and be in China to bring our son home. Then the unexpected happened, we received our first update on Huang Yi. In it, we learned that he had been with the same foster family for nearly a decade. We the ties and bonds that almost anyone would build with that much time, Huang Yi, Jonas, has indicated that he does NOT want to be adopted. In addition, he is receiving more treatment for his hemophilia than we had anticipated. And we get it. We truly do. Amber and I fully understand how terrified and confused he must feel. To leave the family that has been all you have known and to travel across an ocean, away from the established security of family and friends, would be decision not easily made. I find myself scared at the thought of being in China for just TWO weeks, let alone the thought of moving your whole life to a new continent. So in the past couple of days, Amber and I have felt an ache, felt a questions arise in our hearts towards God. I must admit I have found myself angry at God. I expected, with His leading last February, that everything would move forward without a hitch. That we would be in the ultimate Hallmark movie of the week. I had daydreams of our Jonas running into our arms, like so many Youtube videos we have seen of "Gotcha Days". Tears would flow, and he would just embrace becoming a McCulloch without a second thought. Of course, when taking into account all that would be changing for Jonas, this was an absurd thought. But even as we get the complications of an orphan's heart, we still hurt, and question, and wonder. Our family made a video and wrote a letter to offer some comfort and allow Jonas a look into our home and into our hearts. And so many of you have been praying that he will realize, through our words and our video that a family waits to love him with an unconditional, unrelenting love. And so we wait for his answer. And we wait upon God's leading and guidance. We try to cling to the thought that God "works for the good" for "those that love Him." And I know that I am impatient and have some "not-so-perfect" moments with God. But it is and has never been just about me. It has never been about Amber or our family. And in truth, it is not JUST about offering an orphan a loving home, a loving family. We are learning within this painful time of waiting that it is about so much more. Within comments on Facebook and private messages and texts, you have offered us so much encouragement during this difficult time, but we have also learned how our humble story is impacting you. And in the end, if some family realizes that THEY can make this journey or someone finds realness and encouragement in our sometimes shaky faith, than this period of waiting, no matter how it turns out, will serve far greater purposes than we ever anticipated. So we find ourselves in darker moments in our journey right now. We are so uncertain and anxious as to what the days ahead will bring. Will he say yes? Will he remain uncertain and say "no"? Will we travel in two week or two months? How will this journey end? And beyond our journey to bring home an orphan, how will our lives and family look? There is a heavy amount of uncertainty. And in the darkness of "not-knowing" and questioning, I found such encouragement this afternoon in Isaiah 45:3- And I will give you treasures hidden in the darkness... I will do this so you may know that I am the Lord... If in our waiting, our uncertainty, God is glorified than treasures are certainly found in the darkness. If people find encouragement or are encouraged to commit acts of love, than treasures are found in the darkness. In these darker moments, may I and others know that He is God, that He is Lord. And in verse 15 of this same chapter of Isaiah, The Message translation offered these incredible words against our current "holding pattern" in our adoption journey: "Clearly, you are a God who works behind the scenes..." No matter where this journey leads and what its purpose is to be in our lives and in the lives of others, may we each realize that God "works behind the scenes" revealing "treasures hidden in the darkness."
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"Do not be afraid, for I am with you; I will bring your children from the EAST and gather you from the west" Archives
March 2017
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