Some mornings the drive to Marine City High School is pretty dark. The other day not only did my kids and I leave LONG before the sun would rise, but we left on a most chilly, rainy October morning. No amount of Christian radio or cups of coffee could perk up the weight of that morning's drive. It's pretty tough to be SUPER excited about beginning another day of school for either "teacher dad" or my kids, the students despite the presence of the sun. The morning drive will typically have three basic flavors: 1) INCREDIBLE enthusiasm and optimism for the FUN day ahead- (These morning drives make rare appearances only on the LAST day of school, the day BEFORE Christmas Break, half-days, days of theater productions, etc...) These mornings the Christian radio is blasting. We are ALL singing along. The sun is blazing BRIGHTER than ever before! We feel like we're in the ending of a Disney movie. THESE, rare, mornings are WONDERFUL. 2) STRESS and PANIC with a dose of CHAOS- (The "snooze button was hit too many times" type of morning. OR There are grades due (ME), tests to give (my "students" in the car), or dad has once again forgot to put gas in the car and we also hit the snooze button too many times.) These mornings, we pray a great deal. We PRAY for NO cop cars as I "expertly" drive us to school mimicking a NASCAR race or a chase scene in an action movie. 3) Dark and Silent Mornings- These mornings, which could be a result of "flavor #2"...the stress and panic flavor, are those where NO ONE talks. Tears could be in the mix, and our thoughts...our thoughts are not those of gratitude to God, trust in God, OR those filled with joy. Whether it is just the driver (ME) or the passengers (Logan, Scout, Quaid, or Sawyer), one, part, or all of us can find some morning drives to mirror the darkness outside are car windows. Whether its spiritual attacks, not relying on God, being too focused on ME, allowing life's worries and weights (and we ALL certainly will have them), or a combination of all of these elements, there have been mornings recently where I turn off the Christian radio, stare out into the rain-drenched darkness, and sit silent to my kids, to Amber, and especially to God. Believing God knows the innermost chatter of my heart, my heart's rantings are not silent to him. Despite NOT talking out loud, my heart is often brewing with anger and doubt and bitterness towards the Creator or towards others. Even this past week, a week that was suppose to be "calmer" but wasn't...a week where stress and worry truly conquered me, I had a few moments (in morning, noon, and night) where I was truly "driving in the dark." In a Facebook message reply to Amber, where she had brought up the next, out of a seeming million, step in the China adoption process, I wrote the following: I have to be honest. I'm super stressed. I know the adoption has a little to do with it, but I'm just overwhelmed Amber...I got attacked a little over this adoption this morning with thoughts that hit me. I was starting to have worries about how this affects our family. There were good thoughts for sure, and I'm definitely in the midst of a spiritual battle. I know that this is right, but there are still some really tough moments. I don't know. Part of my attack this morning was dealing with a big bullying incident here at the school yesterday. And then add that extra stress the stress of getting grading done...I don't feel well too. You can tell our kids are drained, and again, in honesty to my best friend, I know this process is draining on our kids as we fight and try to navigate the stress. I'm sorry. It's just "one of those mornings." I'm trying to trust God fully on many things, but I'm finding this a difficult morning. I feel we are already scraping by. Good news is NO pay cut for this school year. So I'll take that as God's faithfulness. I just wish He would intercede for (various friends of ours)... Facebook messages, like this one, are certainly not a few lone incidents. Both Amber and I have moments where we feel very much in the dark and having, as I wrote, "one of those mornings". I find my concerns, in relation to our adoption journey, usually centered around the impact of this adoption on our family and finances. Questions and concerns like these seem to come on especially strong on those cold, dark morning drives to Marine City High School. They also have been arriving in the middle of the night, waking one from sleep. These "darker moments", whether while driving in the car with doubt, or anywhere they might occur DO come. When they come, I find myself questioning God. For our adoption journey, some of the questions and comments have included, "How is this all going to work?" "God, this is not at ALL how envisioned our family's future to go." "Will this create jealousy and regret among my children?" "Is this stress going to tear us apart?" "How will we afford this?" And I know the "go to passage", among others, from Matthew 6 on worry. With the comfort it has brought many times, sometimes Christ's gentle words of "do not worry" fall on deaf ears, blind eyes, and a lukewarm heart. Sometimes, all I can see is the darkness in front of me. Isn't that the truth about driving in the dark, especially when it is pouring down rain? Your ability to see ahead is impaired. I am not God. I have no ability to see how the chapters ahead on this adoption journey, or ANY journey He calls me to, will go. From His vantage point, He can see the break in the clouds, the rising of the sun down the road. Me? I can only see darkness and rain. I can only see the section of the road I am on NOW. I simply want to pull over and change the course of this journey, but something said, some encouraging word, some slight revelation as to WHY we would add another member to this family, urges me to keep moving forward. Dark moments are certain to be ahead. Those moments may be those of stress, doubt, uncertainty, but we, as a family keep driving forward, trusting God. He sees a break in the clouds ahead. "Weeping may last through the NIGHT, but JOY comes with the MORNING." Psalm 30:5b (NLT)
3 Comments
Renae
11/1/2015 10:50:17 am
Yes!!! Joy comes in the morning❤️
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Irene
11/1/2015 11:45:42 am
I have fond myself in the dark more often then I would want to admit. There have been times where I think it's can't get any worse and then God throws a curve ball that I was not expecting to catch my attention and remind me that I am not alone, that I need to put all my trust in him. I admire you guys with the adoption choice. I can't think of two more amazing people who with God can do anything!!!! The great thing about dark and rainy mornings is that the sun comes up and the rain stops eventually - it's all in his hands.
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Bev Warnock
11/1/2015 04:14:26 pm
Jay, in 2014 my word for the year was "light" and one of the things that I learned was that in our darkest times even the smallest amount of light can offer us the biggest comfort.
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